Stepping aside to let my team mates have a word:
Your characterization of Canadians as thumbsucking wimps without the moxie to fight for their own independence is viciously unfair and patently absurd. Canadians just don't get whiny about having their precious little sippy Earl Gray tea get taxed a little. Fueled by a mixture of poutine, beer, and a massive inferiority complex, Canada kicked our sorry butts in pitched battle not once but twice; in 1775 and in 1813. Getting beat back into the states by a bunch of fur trappers in silly red jackets and beige hats – how embarrassing! Not content to let their complete dominance over us rest with military victories, our friends to the North soon began assembling the finest strip bars on the planet, brewed beer that put ours to shame, and took up the sport of curling - a feat of athletic prowess they have mastered ever since. Put the three together and you get drunk strippers on ice. Not too shabby, eh?Being the fearsome warriors that they are, Canada declared war on the Nazis in 1939, when the US was still being a wussy little baby and declaring neutrality in World War II. And Canada suffered more casualties as a percentage of her population in World War II than did the US. In 1776, America declared its Independence from Britain. Due partly to a national consciousness that is loathe to rush into things, and partly to the strength of their beer, Canadians waited until 1982 to cast off their British shackles. Because Britian was locked in a grim death battle with the mighty Argentina, Canada cleverly earned her independence without firing a shot. Another major contributing factor for the 200 year delay was that it was simply too much trouble to switch all the photos on their money. Using the monarch's mug on their bills is a lot less work, since all they have to do is update her photo every quarter century or so. All that time saved allows for more time for curling practice. And so the cycle of total Canadian domination continues.
In 1995, the French Quebecois, feeling that they weren’t sufficiently annoying all in their presence by simply being French, launched the Referendum to secede from the remainder of the nation. Just as in the American Civil War, the secessionists were vanquished, and the losers were made to get back on the bus. Seeing as how nothing of any particular political interest ever happens up in the Great White North, the French are fond of trotting out the separation card whenever they get bored of drinking fine wine and eating goose livers, hence earning the name “The NeverEndum” for their little side-plot. Perhaps one day they will get their way – Quebec will join forces with New Brunswick and Vermont (which is really part of Canada anyway) and form their own nation. Between the Molson beer and the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, they can be the fattest nation on the planet. Rebels in woolen toques.
No, Kick This, the Canadians are a fearless lot. Forget Texas – Canada is truly the territory that one messes with at one’s own peril. Canada has never suffered a military defeat, save when we decide to blow them up every now and again over in the Middle East. The reason for their military dominance is obvious – no one knows quite how to fight a country armed with horses and long sticks, and horse poo doesn’t show up on radar.
Canada, where the weak are killed and eaten!
